LOCKDOWN: WEEK 3…right?

Howdy everyone. Week 3 of lockdown is in the books and as I sat down to recap the week, hubby told me he thinks we are thriving. I’ve never questioned his smarts and judgement more than right at this minute. Are we all alive? Yes. Speaking to each other? Sometimes. Of our right minds? Absolutely not.

Now, I don’t want to air ALL of our dirty laundry (because I need content for next week), but it seems some of you get a little laugh out of my musings, and if I can be a bright spot in your week, then I am ALL.FOR.IT. Here are a few Harris happenings during this time of INTENSE togetherness:

DEPARTMENT: HOMESCHOOL

**I overheard a discussion where the children were discussing how many holes the human body has. Some of the answers were downright frightening. Clearly, John failed at last week’s Human Growth and Development lesson, so we’re looking into alternate audio/visual curriculum.

**Thank you middle school Cooking teacher for the assignment to cook blah blah blah French Toast, which required 75 ingredients. “Oh, you need essence of Unicorn to make this magical breakfast?” Let me see if I can Amazon Prime that. $#%^$&

**If one more school administrator or teacher sends me a suggested schedule for my family, I will not be responsible for my emailed reply. The schedule they send looks something like this: Wake at 6:45 (huh?), make bed, brush teeth, have breakfast. Begin schoolwork at 8. Here is the reality: Wake at 10 because the children stayed up binge watching something inappropriate on Netflix until the bars closed at 2AM. School work happens sometime between snack #1 and snack #2, for about 13 minutes total.

DEPARTMENT: “HOME”-EOSTASIS

**Spousal Distancing: Can we make this a thing? I casually mentioned to hubby today that I wanted to work on a gallery wall full of pictures we’ve not yet hung. He said “Your To-Do list is growing, but your Done list is not.” Strike two.

**The decibel level of the house has increased exponentially with each passing day. I find myself screaming at the kids to “QUIT YELLING” so often that I don’t even believe myself anymore when I threaten to quarantine them in their rooms.

**In a rare moment of alone time, I came across an article where Gwyneth Paltrow suggested that during this time at home we should all learn a new language or write a book. Listen, I’ve never been a big fan of ol’ Goop, but I am personally offended by her suggestion. Gwynnie, let me tell you about my new sign language. Here’s your sign.

DEPARTMENT: HEALTH

**Husband played a fierce game of salmonella hockey with a raw whole chicken that he chased around the entire kitchen island trying to season it before he put it on the smoker. Then, he picked up the dripping chicken with just his hands and carried across the room to the patio. As I prepared to get really mad and yell at him, I had a thought….maybe a quick gastrointestinal bug would alleviate some of the pounds I’ve gained from the boredom eating.

**Happy hour is getting earlier each day. Last Monday while we walked the dogs, husband said “Well, since I didn’t have lunch, I’d better just move on to happy hour.” It was 1:15. On that same note, later in the week he said to me “I didn’t have any drinks yesterday.” I couldn’t hide the puzzled look on my face as I calculated the multiple White Claws and couple of cocktails that I saw him drink. Apparently, we’re at the point in lockdown that it only counts as drinking if you have more than spiked seltzer or more than one cocktail. I like those rules.

**The type of day we have around here is directly related to the level of hormones in the house. Teenager, Mom and Habanero all at high levels? It’s a bad day. Add in a tween girl and Mr.? Watch out.

In truth, this was a tough week for me. The first couple of weeks were like an extended vacation…a free for all in the areas of sleep, food, drink. Everything was in excess. With no end in sight and this extrovert jonesing for some activities, the harmony of the home was less than ideal. Not to worry though, I’ve got Tiger King queued up on Netflix…it’s bound to make me feel better about myself;-) Stay well friends, this too shall pass.