Do you think all of the Dads are starting to panic right about now, realizing that Mother’s Day is less than a week away and their precious children will not be bringing home all manner of handwritten cards and macaroni necklaces from school? Dads, not to worry you can still Amazon Prime some glitter and popsicle sticks and make one hell of a jewelry box between now and Sunday. Better head out for some beer and wine for craft time…you’re going to need it!!
Mother’s Day this year is going to be unlike many others. Will there be breakfast in bed? If you count a stale Pop Tart or anything else that the kids haven’t inhaled yet. A mimosa? Probably not because Dad clearly had to drink the champagne to get through the aforementioned craft time. Flowers? Maybe a dandelion or two from the yard in a juice glass. Will your family take you out for a nice lunch or dinner? Nope. Because coronavirus.
So, in lieu of a traditional Mother’s Day, I thought I’d come up with a list of things we Mamas desperately want during these challenging times. Mostly I think we all want for Father’s Day to also be under lockdown for the sheer fairness of it all, but at the same time we just want life back to normal. Even if that means we have to buck up come mid-June and BBQ some ribs, watch our spouse take a 3-hour nap, and full-on pamper the dads on their one special day. Basically, what is otherwise called Saturday.
**A Magic Wand– I need a wand that will instantly clean up this filthy pigsty. Y’all my family is nasty. Every time I turn around there is another mess, disaster, pile of crap that needs to be cleaned up. I know you’re thinking that I should just ask them all to clean up after themselves and the problem will be solved. You’re very funny. I’ve always said that my house would be so clean if only I lived here by myself, and this has never been more evident than during quarantine.
**The Remote- I’d like the gift of control over the television for one measly day. No more Gold Rush. No more Trolls 2. For the love of God, no more Fox News. Only Real Housewives will play for the entire day. I’ll even watch the ladies of Atlanta, and no one watches that one.
**Some Privacy– These days, there is ALWAYS someone near me, on me, next to me, or speaking to me. Yesterday, all 3 dogs came into the bathroom with me and when I walked out, two of the children were there asking me to feed them. It’s like they have a sixth sense for when I am alone and want to be sure I am not lonely.
**Personal Chef- I don’t want an actual person to come into my home, because then I would have to visit. I want what Judy Jetson had: a wall unit that had all of the ingredients; she pushed a button and “Voila!” A complete, well-balanced meal for five.
**Superpower for Teleportation– One of my good friends told me she got “trapped” in the laundry room and had to endure listening to her teenage son discuss his kissing style with his girlfriend over the phone. She died a thousand deaths, but couldn’t just walk away…the sweatpants weren’t going to fold themselves! A mother should NEVER have to hear that conversation. It’s bad enough knowing, but hearing it out loud is crossing the line.
**A Seamstress– There are those of you who worked out religiously during quarantine, and those of you who shunned all comfort carbs in favor of vegetables…you are not my people. I’m talking about those of us who need a person with mad sewing skills to “modify” our favorite summer clothes for the post-COVID-19 (pounds that is). We don’t have to talk about it, just put a hidden elastic panel in all of my shorts and skirts. You will be heavily rewarded.
Here’s to the Moms…the homeschoolers, therapists, entertainment directors, short-order cooks, nurses, referees, housekeepers and overall BAD-ASSES!! Cheers!!
