Get OUT of my head!!

This is too much.  Things are no longer safe in my own head.

For well over a year, I’ve been half-heartedly listening to the news stories warning of the dangers of Amazon Alexa and Google Home.  I say half, because I own neither of them, so I didn’t really care.  And, I use the word “danger” loosely….it’s not as if they are coming to life and attacking people like Gremlins.  But, supposedly, these devices are listening to everything we say within our houses and then doing things with the info….targeting advertising, recording conversations we have and sending them to people.  Don’t believe me?  Check this out….

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/25/business/amazon-alexa-conversation-shared-echo.html

Yikes!  That is truly scary.  If one of these devices listened in on the conversations in my house, a number of things would happen.  Child Protective Services might show up due to John’s swearing and outbursts directed at the NFL players.  He has a mouth like a truck driver…job hazard I guess.  Secondly, the men in white coats might show up to haul me off to the psych ward.  I talk to myself, I talk to my dogs, I talk to no one….all day long.  I have a lot to say.  Lastly, and probably most frightening, what if Alexa recorded a private and perhaps intimate conversation between me and my husband, and then sent it to MY DAD?  I would die a thousand deaths from embarrassment.

There isn’t a piece of technology out there that John doesn’t think we need.  I mean, the nerd wears a watch that tracks his steps, receives his texts and emails, and gives him weather info in real time.  As opposed to just walking outdoors. Back when he was doing the Ironman, his bike had more technology than my car.  To ride a bike.  Seriously.  Thankfully, I’ve been able to sidestep any conversations about getting a “home assistant” like Alexa.  If that assistant doesn’t fold laundry and cook, I am not interested.

But, that’s only the beginning of it.  You see, as far as Social Media goes, I am pretty lame.  I am a Facebook lurker.  I rarely post anything.  The majority of my time is spent scrolling past all of the shit I saw yesterday, making an occasional comment, and wishing long lost friends a happy birthday.  I was also late to the party with Instagram, and I still can’t figure out how to “find the link in the bio.”  BUT, despite these shortcomings, I am the Grand Champion of online shopping.  I will fill shopping carts FULL of stuff I don’t need, and thankfully for our checkbook, most of it will sit there until the company empties my cart.  Over time though, I have started to notice that the things I search for show up on my Facebook feed.  Honestly, it pisses me off.  Do NOT tell me what to do, Mark Zuckerberg.

Once I got over that mind f$%k, I heard a story about Facebook and Google listening to our conversations with people while we are holding our phones in our hands BUT NOT USING THEM, and then throwing in some suggestive advertising based on what we said.  I didn’t believe it…no way could that possibly happen.  People, it’s true!!  I had a conversation with a friend about the Hotel del Coronado in San Diego while holding my phone, and lo and behold later that day there was an advertisement on my Facebook for “Buy 2 nights, get one free.”

But, the straw that broke the technology camel’s back happened a couple of weeks ago.  The older I get, the more I notice that my already fine and thin hair is looking sparser than I’d like.  I started to brainstorm (that word is key) ways to make it look better.  Different shampoo perhaps, or a different haircut.  I remembered that years ago, I used a thickening spray by Bumble and Bumble and it worked for me.  I thought about where I’d be in the following few days to pick some up.  This entire process happened INSIDE MY HEAD.  Before you ask, I did not have said conversation with the dogs.  An hour later, while I ate my lunch and commenced my usual Facebook stalking, there was an ad for….you guessed it.  Bumble and Bumble Thickening Spray.

STOP.IT.RIGHT.NOW.  I cannot live in a world where this happens.  I promise you, no one wants to be a part of some of the things that go on in my head.  By all outward appearances, I am generally a kind and nice person.  But, sometimes in my head there are ugly things.  Oftentimes, there are inappropriate comments that NEVER come out of my mouth.  So, please Facebook….get out of my head.  It’s for your own good.